Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
trainwreck.
my loord. it has been forever since i last updated this. and wow, have things changed since then. i don't even know where to begin to be honest. i had stopped updating this for fear that people would somehow find it and read it. find out that i'm not all i'm cracked up to me or i don't feel as fabulous about myself as i may put off. this will probably be a ridiculously long entry. and if you actually stick it out and read it i will be ridiculously impressed and grateful that someone seems to care enough.
so let me begin with this summer. i went home from bonas after a complete shitshow of a year. i had fucked up on so many different levels; academically, sexually, socially, religiously. i was a complete waste...and i felt it. i had never felt so low about myself to the point of complete depression. i wasn't myself. i didn't involve myself in anything. and i took out my anger on people that i loved. my mom sensed this change in me like she always does and tried to understand what was going on. but all i could do was cry to her. how do you tell your mother about that year of college? she knew about my sexual assault and my school work. but did she know the number of boys i had hooked up with? did she know how bad the drinking was? i left school thinking that everyone on campus thought i was a party slut. how do you tell that to your mother? i dreaded going back to school.
finally i knew that i had to change. i couldn't keep beating myself up and i couldn't keep spending time alone in my room crying over things that are in the past. i had learned that there was a healing mass at my church for emotional and physical hurt and i knew i needed to go. i'm not kidding when i tell you that it was the most freeing and amazing thing i have ever been to. i'm tearing up just thinking about it. i spent the entire time crying and when the priest put his hand on my head and told me that i was healed i just broke down.
my mom still questions why i was so hurt all summer. she never understood. and finally she just realized that it was something i needed to put in the past and just stopped asking. so i went back to school with a clear head and clear concious. this year was going to be different.
that's a joke.
so let's get to where i'm at now. a complete emotional mess.. complete trainwreck. to be honest, i don't think i've ever been this depressed in my entire life...and believe me.. i've had my share of tough times. since i drove into the entrance of this hell hole not ONE thing good has happened to me. i live everyday with knives flying through the air and stabbing me in the chest. i'm utterly miserable.
we'll start with the people at the lovely St. Bonaventure University. I have NO friends. well except for my roommate and drew. every person at this school is a narrow-minded, shallow, ugg wearing, juicy/hollister rocking fuck who don't know anything except for their town with the population of 2 and their cow betsy. god forbid a girl who doesn't act, think, look, and be a bitch like everyone else enters the campus. i get dirty looks on a daily. i get told that i try to hard and that i'm "punk rock." like honestly, are you retarded? PUNK ROCK?! do you get out at all? do you live under a rock? does your hick town have any diversity at all? i guess not. where i'm from... you know that place called new jersey that all you fucks think is a shithole.. there is diversity out the wazoo. and you have the audacity to make fun of my accent saying JOISY everytime i say TAWK WAWK AND CAWFEE. at least i don't sound like the fucking mom from Stewart on Mad TV. okay? okay.
these girls? holy shit. they are the fakest people i have ever met in my entire life. i often wonder if these girls have any idea what it is like to be a true friend. i look around and watch them as they snicker as their friend walks away or roll their eyes everytime someone talks. i watch them walk around in their leggings and uggs (ick) thinking they're the shit while they go and get drunk and fuck every dick on campus. and i'm not even kidding when i say that most of the girls here are like that. there are a select few who aren't and most of them are thinking of transferring. GOOD IDEA ME TOO. fuck thissss.
AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HAVE FUCKING SCABIES. yupppp. whats good? you know those little 8-legged bugs that crawl under your skin and hatch little eggs that cause bugs and non-stop 24/7 itching. yup. and i've been rockin that shit for a good month and a half. LOVE MY LIFE. so let's add that on to the fact that i'm depressed beyond belief.. but i have to itch while i cry. fabulous.
i just went on a complete angry rant. but the truth is.. i want to die. i'm suffocating. i'm so overwhelmed to the point that my brain is going to bust. i called my mom last night hyperventilating because i'm so scared that i'm making the wrong decision and that i'm going to fuck up my life. i want to leave here so bad. but my grades last year was shit, my midterm grades weren't that hot either, and i'm really afraid that leaving here i will fuck it up even more. granted i'm only in my first semester of my sophmore year.. but still. i'm freaking out. what if going home and going to st. peters will ultimately ruin my life. what if staying here will be better for me in the long run. gah there's just way too many things going on in my mind. i can't even keep track of them. and all i want to do is sleep.
oh yeah. i'm not going to get into details with this one just in case. (haha i love how i write everything else but this is the one thing i'm afraid of.) a boy got my hopes up to the point that i thought we were going to date because well.. he told me we would. yeah.. still single. you fill in the blanks.
there's another aspect of my life in st. bonaventure that i will also not go into detail with for fear of the wrong eyes seeing this. but let's just say it has me on the brink of insanity. i think that this is one thing that has me spiraling downwards as fast as i am. every time that this aspect comes into play... i can't even explain it. except it's horrible. and God forgive me for feeling this way. but i can't take it anymore.
for the first time in my life i have questioned God. Although i'm trying to build up that relationship again and put my faith and trust in Him i'm struggling. i just wonder sometimes why God allows so many bad things to happen to one person. it really is that i just want one day where i am 100% happy and have nothing bad happen to me. and that hasn't happened to me in the longest time. so i question what God truly wants from me and why he is doing this to me. what sort of plan does he have for me that involves all this. everyone says that struggles help you to be a stronger and better person. but REALLY i'm going nuts. legit nuts. to the point that i twitch. i'm not even trying to be funny. i'm 100% serious. i'm going insane.
i'm praying for a miracle. PRAYING. i'm going to update this more because i feel like i need to. i feel like it will keep me for just reaching my end point. i really just want to leave this school as soon as possible but i feel like at least having two years under my belt will look better on a resume. but the other part of me is thinking is it really worth it enough to make me this miserable.
why do i feel like with some people they find that they need to compete with everything. who can be more miserable than who. go on fucking rants about how "crazy" you are or how "insecure" you are. i'm literally ripping pieces of my hair out and you think being miserable makes you cool. i feel like you enjoy me being miserable sometimes. i feel like you play on it. and i feel like you feed off of me. i feel like you want to be me. i sit in silence because i'm so miserable. i don't even know what to even write here about this situation because i'm just so done. SO done. i'm so sick of this game that you play with me and your so called "i need help i'm so crazy i'm such a badass rebel bitch" image you put on. I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I DONT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY. I JUST LAUGH IT OFF BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO MAKE LIGHT OF A SITUATION. i rather be normal. i rather be happy. i rather be healthy. i rather not do stupid shit. i rather smile and mean it. i rather not want to sleep all the time. i rather not want to scream. i rather not feel like i have nothing to do and feel trapped and not know how to get out of it. STOP THE ACT. it doesnt make you cute.. it doesnt make you cool.. and it doesnt make me like you more. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP. when i'm having a bad day and you know that bad shit is happening don't come up to me and talk about how amazing your life is. how can you be so insensitive? how can you not be a shoulder to cry on? why do i look at you and think you are judging me. or trying to feed off it and make your own copy of my unhappiness. I DONT UNDERSTAND. when i talk about my unique problem do not say "oh yeah me too." NO. YOU DON'T KNOW. stop acting like you do!
i need to stop. wow. wooooowsaz. okay. i think i'm done for this entry. long story short. i'm going a million miles per hour into a brick wall.
thank you and goodnight.
so let me begin with this summer. i went home from bonas after a complete shitshow of a year. i had fucked up on so many different levels; academically, sexually, socially, religiously. i was a complete waste...and i felt it. i had never felt so low about myself to the point of complete depression. i wasn't myself. i didn't involve myself in anything. and i took out my anger on people that i loved. my mom sensed this change in me like she always does and tried to understand what was going on. but all i could do was cry to her. how do you tell your mother about that year of college? she knew about my sexual assault and my school work. but did she know the number of boys i had hooked up with? did she know how bad the drinking was? i left school thinking that everyone on campus thought i was a party slut. how do you tell that to your mother? i dreaded going back to school.
finally i knew that i had to change. i couldn't keep beating myself up and i couldn't keep spending time alone in my room crying over things that are in the past. i had learned that there was a healing mass at my church for emotional and physical hurt and i knew i needed to go. i'm not kidding when i tell you that it was the most freeing and amazing thing i have ever been to. i'm tearing up just thinking about it. i spent the entire time crying and when the priest put his hand on my head and told me that i was healed i just broke down.
my mom still questions why i was so hurt all summer. she never understood. and finally she just realized that it was something i needed to put in the past and just stopped asking. so i went back to school with a clear head and clear concious. this year was going to be different.
that's a joke.
so let's get to where i'm at now. a complete emotional mess.. complete trainwreck. to be honest, i don't think i've ever been this depressed in my entire life...and believe me.. i've had my share of tough times. since i drove into the entrance of this hell hole not ONE thing good has happened to me. i live everyday with knives flying through the air and stabbing me in the chest. i'm utterly miserable.
we'll start with the people at the lovely St. Bonaventure University. I have NO friends. well except for my roommate and drew. every person at this school is a narrow-minded, shallow, ugg wearing, juicy/hollister rocking fuck who don't know anything except for their town with the population of 2 and their cow betsy. god forbid a girl who doesn't act, think, look, and be a bitch like everyone else enters the campus. i get dirty looks on a daily. i get told that i try to hard and that i'm "punk rock." like honestly, are you retarded? PUNK ROCK?! do you get out at all? do you live under a rock? does your hick town have any diversity at all? i guess not. where i'm from... you know that place called new jersey that all you fucks think is a shithole.. there is diversity out the wazoo. and you have the audacity to make fun of my accent saying JOISY everytime i say TAWK WAWK AND CAWFEE. at least i don't sound like the fucking mom from Stewart on Mad TV. okay? okay.
these girls? holy shit. they are the fakest people i have ever met in my entire life. i often wonder if these girls have any idea what it is like to be a true friend. i look around and watch them as they snicker as their friend walks away or roll their eyes everytime someone talks. i watch them walk around in their leggings and uggs (ick) thinking they're the shit while they go and get drunk and fuck every dick on campus. and i'm not even kidding when i say that most of the girls here are like that. there are a select few who aren't and most of them are thinking of transferring. GOOD IDEA ME TOO. fuck thissss.
AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HAVE FUCKING SCABIES. yupppp. whats good? you know those little 8-legged bugs that crawl under your skin and hatch little eggs that cause bugs and non-stop 24/7 itching. yup. and i've been rockin that shit for a good month and a half. LOVE MY LIFE. so let's add that on to the fact that i'm depressed beyond belief.. but i have to itch while i cry. fabulous.
i just went on a complete angry rant. but the truth is.. i want to die. i'm suffocating. i'm so overwhelmed to the point that my brain is going to bust. i called my mom last night hyperventilating because i'm so scared that i'm making the wrong decision and that i'm going to fuck up my life. i want to leave here so bad. but my grades last year was shit, my midterm grades weren't that hot either, and i'm really afraid that leaving here i will fuck it up even more. granted i'm only in my first semester of my sophmore year.. but still. i'm freaking out. what if going home and going to st. peters will ultimately ruin my life. what if staying here will be better for me in the long run. gah there's just way too many things going on in my mind. i can't even keep track of them. and all i want to do is sleep.
oh yeah. i'm not going to get into details with this one just in case. (haha i love how i write everything else but this is the one thing i'm afraid of.) a boy got my hopes up to the point that i thought we were going to date because well.. he told me we would. yeah.. still single. you fill in the blanks.
there's another aspect of my life in st. bonaventure that i will also not go into detail with for fear of the wrong eyes seeing this. but let's just say it has me on the brink of insanity. i think that this is one thing that has me spiraling downwards as fast as i am. every time that this aspect comes into play... i can't even explain it. except it's horrible. and God forgive me for feeling this way. but i can't take it anymore.
for the first time in my life i have questioned God. Although i'm trying to build up that relationship again and put my faith and trust in Him i'm struggling. i just wonder sometimes why God allows so many bad things to happen to one person. it really is that i just want one day where i am 100% happy and have nothing bad happen to me. and that hasn't happened to me in the longest time. so i question what God truly wants from me and why he is doing this to me. what sort of plan does he have for me that involves all this. everyone says that struggles help you to be a stronger and better person. but REALLY i'm going nuts. legit nuts. to the point that i twitch. i'm not even trying to be funny. i'm 100% serious. i'm going insane.
i'm praying for a miracle. PRAYING. i'm going to update this more because i feel like i need to. i feel like it will keep me for just reaching my end point. i really just want to leave this school as soon as possible but i feel like at least having two years under my belt will look better on a resume. but the other part of me is thinking is it really worth it enough to make me this miserable.
why do i feel like with some people they find that they need to compete with everything. who can be more miserable than who. go on fucking rants about how "crazy" you are or how "insecure" you are. i'm literally ripping pieces of my hair out and you think being miserable makes you cool. i feel like you enjoy me being miserable sometimes. i feel like you play on it. and i feel like you feed off of me. i feel like you want to be me. i sit in silence because i'm so miserable. i don't even know what to even write here about this situation because i'm just so done. SO done. i'm so sick of this game that you play with me and your so called "i need help i'm so crazy i'm such a badass rebel bitch" image you put on. I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I DONT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY. I JUST LAUGH IT OFF BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO MAKE LIGHT OF A SITUATION. i rather be normal. i rather be happy. i rather be healthy. i rather not do stupid shit. i rather smile and mean it. i rather not want to sleep all the time. i rather not want to scream. i rather not feel like i have nothing to do and feel trapped and not know how to get out of it. STOP THE ACT. it doesnt make you cute.. it doesnt make you cool.. and it doesnt make me like you more. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP. when i'm having a bad day and you know that bad shit is happening don't come up to me and talk about how amazing your life is. how can you be so insensitive? how can you not be a shoulder to cry on? why do i look at you and think you are judging me. or trying to feed off it and make your own copy of my unhappiness. I DONT UNDERSTAND. when i talk about my unique problem do not say "oh yeah me too." NO. YOU DON'T KNOW. stop acting like you do!
i need to stop. wow. wooooowsaz. okay. i think i'm done for this entry. long story short. i'm going a million miles per hour into a brick wall.
thank you and goodnight.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
coming home.
i'm sitting in my room listening to music while outside people playing baseball with the beautiful breeze blowing through. im realizing that there is a huge chance i may have to go home for school after this semester. i try to think whether or not i will be really upset leaving, and i really couldn't tell you. i began this year wanting to leave so bad, missing the city life, my friends, and my mom. i didn't have a set group of friends and i felt alone.
since then my social life has made a complete 180. i have friends, go out every weekend, and have a lot of fun. but i still am trying to find out if i'm really happy here or whether or not this place is for me.
i realized that i've been sad. i've lost touch with God, myself, and who i was. today i was talking about some of the not-so-good things i've done this year. and someone said "and you call yourself a christian?" although this person was joking, it still upset me. because people all make mistakes and people all do shitty things. after i do some of the things i do, i almost always regret it. it's like a vicious cycle. sometimes i like doing wrong things because it makes me feel wanted by someone and better about myself, but then when i sober up and realize what i did i end up feeling like shit. i don't think it doesnt make me a christian. i think it just makes me a confused teenager.
This year I got caught up in the college scene and became selfish. i found myself becoming someone i never was. i felt like an annoyance to my friends. i complain and freak out all the time and whine about my appearance while i eat a slice of pizza. i drink and drink and drink myself happy. i let myself go.
i have fun here. a lot of it. but when i look down inside myself i realize i'm not happy. maybe i'm just having the end of the year wanting to go home blues but who knows.
i think about who i will miss here. i'll miss all my friends for sure. i have my but sometimes it just goes past your friends. like, you need to think for yourself. what would be better for me.
the major pro of bonaventure is my future. if i do well here, my life is set basically. the JMC program is one of the best. so would i be immature for just leaving? even though it technically wouldn't have been my direct choice, just my major slacking. would i blow my future if i end up being sent home? the freedom is also amazing. i love being able to do whatever i want, when i want. but sometimes that isnt a good thing, hence why i'm in the situation i'm in right now. i know that when i come home i'll have a curfew. WHAT?! a curfew?! what is that?! i do like it here. really i do. especially the weather is beautiful.
pros are i'd be closer to my best friends, my family, and my city. close to my beach, the hustle and bustle. i'd definitely be skinnier considering i eat barely anything when home and run my ass off literally. i think i'd get better grades with my mom on my ass. i don't know. i know for a fact my weekends would be most likely spent at rutgers and i'm sure i'd make friends at my new school. and i'd probably get a car, even though it will probably be a peice of shit.
do i really not like bonas? or am i just setting myself up for something that may happen? trying to make lighter of a situation and tell myself "hey maybe it won't be too bad?" i don't know. i won't lie i'm nervous. my future has me so psyched out. where will i end up? what will i do? where will i be next year?
whatever happens i hope its what is meant for me. and i hope that i'll be happy. stress, sadness, and bumps in the road happen for a reason. they help us to become stronger people and help us to prepare for whatever may come next. my life has always been filled with the stress. nothing ever comes easy, but then in the end it ALWAYS works out. i'm hoping this is just another one of those things.
i need the summer to get myself back to normal.
godbless.
since then my social life has made a complete 180. i have friends, go out every weekend, and have a lot of fun. but i still am trying to find out if i'm really happy here or whether or not this place is for me.
i realized that i've been sad. i've lost touch with God, myself, and who i was. today i was talking about some of the not-so-good things i've done this year. and someone said "and you call yourself a christian?" although this person was joking, it still upset me. because people all make mistakes and people all do shitty things. after i do some of the things i do, i almost always regret it. it's like a vicious cycle. sometimes i like doing wrong things because it makes me feel wanted by someone and better about myself, but then when i sober up and realize what i did i end up feeling like shit. i don't think it doesnt make me a christian. i think it just makes me a confused teenager.
This year I got caught up in the college scene and became selfish. i found myself becoming someone i never was. i felt like an annoyance to my friends. i complain and freak out all the time and whine about my appearance while i eat a slice of pizza. i drink and drink and drink myself happy. i let myself go.
i have fun here. a lot of it. but when i look down inside myself i realize i'm not happy. maybe i'm just having the end of the year wanting to go home blues but who knows.
i think about who i will miss here. i'll miss all my friends for sure. i have my but sometimes it just goes past your friends. like, you need to think for yourself. what would be better for me.
the major pro of bonaventure is my future. if i do well here, my life is set basically. the JMC program is one of the best. so would i be immature for just leaving? even though it technically wouldn't have been my direct choice, just my major slacking. would i blow my future if i end up being sent home? the freedom is also amazing. i love being able to do whatever i want, when i want. but sometimes that isnt a good thing, hence why i'm in the situation i'm in right now. i know that when i come home i'll have a curfew. WHAT?! a curfew?! what is that?! i do like it here. really i do. especially the weather is beautiful.
pros are i'd be closer to my best friends, my family, and my city. close to my beach, the hustle and bustle. i'd definitely be skinnier considering i eat barely anything when home and run my ass off literally. i think i'd get better grades with my mom on my ass. i don't know. i know for a fact my weekends would be most likely spent at rutgers and i'm sure i'd make friends at my new school. and i'd probably get a car, even though it will probably be a peice of shit.
do i really not like bonas? or am i just setting myself up for something that may happen? trying to make lighter of a situation and tell myself "hey maybe it won't be too bad?" i don't know. i won't lie i'm nervous. my future has me so psyched out. where will i end up? what will i do? where will i be next year?
whatever happens i hope its what is meant for me. and i hope that i'll be happy. stress, sadness, and bumps in the road happen for a reason. they help us to become stronger people and help us to prepare for whatever may come next. my life has always been filled with the stress. nothing ever comes easy, but then in the end it ALWAYS works out. i'm hoping this is just another one of those things.
i need the summer to get myself back to normal.
godbless.
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Dear God, It's me Lauren.
Hey God and Jesus, how are you? Long time no talk unfortunately.
I hope everything has gone well. Say hi to grandpa kearney and grandpa doyle and tell them i'm sorry about smoking cigarettes. And say hi to my little brother and Mr. Rogers for me. Tell Mr. Rogers that me and gina are still amazing friends, even though i'm sure he knows that. And aunt dot! tell her about grandma and aunt alice. And how to look over grandma because i can't imagine my life without her. and anyone i may have forgotten.
thank you for the amazing weather. it's been so much fun this week because of it. It really has helped me to grow and love the place.
enough of the small talk, i'll cut to the chase. I guess the reason i'm writing, aside from the fact that it has been awhile and i really really do need to catch up with you because i miss you, is i feel terrible for having let myself get distant from you. To be honest, i've been pretty miserable. sure, there have been a lot of great times where it may appear like i haven't felt sad, but deep down all i wanted was you. through any action i have done, though many have been terrible, i've thought of what you would think of me. and i'm sorry for being selfish and choosing what i wanted to do instead of the right thing. and of course as predicted, i fell into an emotional hole where i felt like i couldn't escape. it is amazing how you do affect me and how better my life is when you are there.
i think back to when i was home and i would have a lot of alone time. just going to church on sundays, though maybe i'd often stare into space, i still felt like it was the glue to make us stick together. it kept you in my mind and kept me realizing that you were there. and now at college with all this craziness going on, there are points where i've forgotten. i feel like a fake. who am i to say i love you when my actions prove so much otherwise? my first semester here was disgusting. and i feel like i have changed into a person i've never liked. i let my insecurities get the best of me and every time i talk bad about someone it's a reminder of how much i have changed. it's very overwhelming in college to feel so low about yourself and not to have the comfort of home or of you. There have been many times where i just felt helpless and didn't know what to do. so why did i not turn to you?
apart of me felt like i had drifted so far from you that you would think i just come to you when i need you and then pretend like you don't exist and go about my business. so whenever i wanted to reach out to you, i felt ashamed of myself. i felt like i no longer deserved you. i know that you as God are supposed to be there for everyone, but i just think back at the relationship we had at one point and now and it just upsets me. it's like before i reach out, i want to find you the way i had you before. does it make sense? i hope it does.
yesterday i found myself blaming bonaventure for making me like this. the Franciscan capital of america. can you imagine? and isn't it terrible that i relied on kate machugh to bring me closer to you at the mountain. a girl that does such terrible things to people and to me. and i let her be the deciding factor as to whether or not i go to the mountain. i feel pathetic. i only have myself to blame because in the beginning of the year i felt closer to you than ever before because of the mountain. and there are masses i can go to. but i'm either too lazy to walk over there or too scared to sit by myself. jesus died on the cross for me, and i'm afraid to walk maybe a half a mile and sit in a church where no one cares if i'm alone. i'm sorry.
i think this is a good time for me to come home. i find myself frustrated not only because of my eating habits but because of how far i've made myself from you here. i feel like if i go home i can find myself again and be who i am and be able to return on august and continue. i want to come back not as a different person but as a renewed person. its like i need to charge up my batteries because i'm definitely running low. it's funny because i don't know how people can be atheists. the moment i find myself distant from you i'm a mess. never mind not believing you exist.
i feel like i'm not saying enough because i have so much emotion built up because of this topic. i was meant to hear some will seek forgiveness, others escape again because it is basically my life story. and it helped me to realize that you will always be there for me no matter what. and that you are here to bring me closer to you. you understand that stuff like this happens and i guess it's better to come back then to continue to drift right? i guess it shows that i'm not fake and i do really love you? i just wish i didn't have to test myself.
but wait, maybe this was a test from you? there were many times this year when i wondered why you would let certain things happen to me. but maybe they were all in your plan. like a journey back to you. i had always relied on you during problems, so had you made problems and upsets for me in hopes that one day i would find solitude in you? i may be completely off, but i like believing that. it just seems to make sense though.
i'm not going to lie, this year has made me feel about one inch off the ground. i've done SO many things i'm not proud of, which has caused all the insecurities to come out. i was never a confident girl, hence the eating disorder, but i was always pretty sure of myself, not caring what people thought of me. now i just freak out, especially when it comes to guys. they have jaded me so much this year. how did they become such users and manipulators? i just hope that one day i find a nice one. please God, let there be nice ones. i'm dying over here. and i'm pretty sick of being hung up on jG00n. plus this rapid weight gain has made me feel completely awful. it just makes me realize for one how much i relied on my eating disorder and two how different my self control was at home.
GAH i just want to be home! with mom and dad and greg and yogi and you! but atleast i again have you. it's weird because after writing this letter i already feel your presence. it's like the fog has parted and i can see you in front of me. thank you for being so understanding. really thanks.
but about my eating disorder, please help me to have the strength to do it the healthy way. no matter what in the back of my mind after eating bad foods i'm going to want to purge. and the reason i have gained this disgusting gross flabby 15 pounds is because lets face it, someone is always in the bathroom and also in the beginning i was trying for a new start. sees how good that has done, because there still have been some slipups. i just really dont want to do this to myself anymore. i just want to be thin... and happy. the eating disorder will always be on the back of my mind for the rest of my life but that is where i want it to stay... the back of my mind.
anyway, i hope you take time about of your busy schedule to read this. Haha i know you will. But i'm ready for us to become the way we were. Best friends. I love you.
And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering
"Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another."
Oh sweet angel of mercy,
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.
"Hey Unfaithful
Hey Ungraceful
Hey Unloving
I will love you."
Jesus, I'm ready to come home.
I hope everything has gone well. Say hi to grandpa kearney and grandpa doyle and tell them i'm sorry about smoking cigarettes. And say hi to my little brother and Mr. Rogers for me. Tell Mr. Rogers that me and gina are still amazing friends, even though i'm sure he knows that. And aunt dot! tell her about grandma and aunt alice. And how to look over grandma because i can't imagine my life without her. and anyone i may have forgotten.
thank you for the amazing weather. it's been so much fun this week because of it. It really has helped me to grow and love the place.
enough of the small talk, i'll cut to the chase. I guess the reason i'm writing, aside from the fact that it has been awhile and i really really do need to catch up with you because i miss you, is i feel terrible for having let myself get distant from you. To be honest, i've been pretty miserable. sure, there have been a lot of great times where it may appear like i haven't felt sad, but deep down all i wanted was you. through any action i have done, though many have been terrible, i've thought of what you would think of me. and i'm sorry for being selfish and choosing what i wanted to do instead of the right thing. and of course as predicted, i fell into an emotional hole where i felt like i couldn't escape. it is amazing how you do affect me and how better my life is when you are there.
i think back to when i was home and i would have a lot of alone time. just going to church on sundays, though maybe i'd often stare into space, i still felt like it was the glue to make us stick together. it kept you in my mind and kept me realizing that you were there. and now at college with all this craziness going on, there are points where i've forgotten. i feel like a fake. who am i to say i love you when my actions prove so much otherwise? my first semester here was disgusting. and i feel like i have changed into a person i've never liked. i let my insecurities get the best of me and every time i talk bad about someone it's a reminder of how much i have changed. it's very overwhelming in college to feel so low about yourself and not to have the comfort of home or of you. There have been many times where i just felt helpless and didn't know what to do. so why did i not turn to you?
apart of me felt like i had drifted so far from you that you would think i just come to you when i need you and then pretend like you don't exist and go about my business. so whenever i wanted to reach out to you, i felt ashamed of myself. i felt like i no longer deserved you. i know that you as God are supposed to be there for everyone, but i just think back at the relationship we had at one point and now and it just upsets me. it's like before i reach out, i want to find you the way i had you before. does it make sense? i hope it does.
yesterday i found myself blaming bonaventure for making me like this. the Franciscan capital of america. can you imagine? and isn't it terrible that i relied on kate machugh to bring me closer to you at the mountain. a girl that does such terrible things to people and to me. and i let her be the deciding factor as to whether or not i go to the mountain. i feel pathetic. i only have myself to blame because in the beginning of the year i felt closer to you than ever before because of the mountain. and there are masses i can go to. but i'm either too lazy to walk over there or too scared to sit by myself. jesus died on the cross for me, and i'm afraid to walk maybe a half a mile and sit in a church where no one cares if i'm alone. i'm sorry.
i think this is a good time for me to come home. i find myself frustrated not only because of my eating habits but because of how far i've made myself from you here. i feel like if i go home i can find myself again and be who i am and be able to return on august and continue. i want to come back not as a different person but as a renewed person. its like i need to charge up my batteries because i'm definitely running low. it's funny because i don't know how people can be atheists. the moment i find myself distant from you i'm a mess. never mind not believing you exist.
i feel like i'm not saying enough because i have so much emotion built up because of this topic. i was meant to hear some will seek forgiveness, others escape again because it is basically my life story. and it helped me to realize that you will always be there for me no matter what. and that you are here to bring me closer to you. you understand that stuff like this happens and i guess it's better to come back then to continue to drift right? i guess it shows that i'm not fake and i do really love you? i just wish i didn't have to test myself.
but wait, maybe this was a test from you? there were many times this year when i wondered why you would let certain things happen to me. but maybe they were all in your plan. like a journey back to you. i had always relied on you during problems, so had you made problems and upsets for me in hopes that one day i would find solitude in you? i may be completely off, but i like believing that. it just seems to make sense though.
i'm not going to lie, this year has made me feel about one inch off the ground. i've done SO many things i'm not proud of, which has caused all the insecurities to come out. i was never a confident girl, hence the eating disorder, but i was always pretty sure of myself, not caring what people thought of me. now i just freak out, especially when it comes to guys. they have jaded me so much this year. how did they become such users and manipulators? i just hope that one day i find a nice one. please God, let there be nice ones. i'm dying over here. and i'm pretty sick of being hung up on jG00n. plus this rapid weight gain has made me feel completely awful. it just makes me realize for one how much i relied on my eating disorder and two how different my self control was at home.
GAH i just want to be home! with mom and dad and greg and yogi and you! but atleast i again have you. it's weird because after writing this letter i already feel your presence. it's like the fog has parted and i can see you in front of me. thank you for being so understanding. really thanks.
but about my eating disorder, please help me to have the strength to do it the healthy way. no matter what in the back of my mind after eating bad foods i'm going to want to purge. and the reason i have gained this disgusting gross flabby 15 pounds is because lets face it, someone is always in the bathroom and also in the beginning i was trying for a new start. sees how good that has done, because there still have been some slipups. i just really dont want to do this to myself anymore. i just want to be thin... and happy. the eating disorder will always be on the back of my mind for the rest of my life but that is where i want it to stay... the back of my mind.
anyway, i hope you take time about of your busy schedule to read this. Haha i know you will. But i'm ready for us to become the way we were. Best friends. I love you.
And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering
"Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another."
Oh sweet angel of mercy,
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.
"Hey Unfaithful
Hey Ungraceful
Hey Unloving
I will love you."
Jesus, I'm ready to come home.
Wednesday, February 20, 2008
life.
a small conversation can lead to a mess of thoughts until you stumble across the thought of life. what is life? who determines life? where will we be 10 years from now? last night my friend eddie and i were discussing how much we missed each other and how fast our high school years flew by. it truly did. i remember coming in as a freshman and sitting in the back of my english class scared shitless just to realize at the end of senior year that high school was a time of growth. i went from an 8th grader who was so unsure of herself it was sad. the girl with no confidence, frizzy hair, and no sense of self to a girl who had a million friends and was considered most changed in her superlatives. i was outgoing, funny, loud, and dare i say... attractive? i knew what music i loved, my fashion taste, and the person i was. every day i learn more and more about myself and who i am as a person. but deep down hurting. junior year of high school was when i discovered bulemia as a way out. when i looked at all my flaws instead of my amazing qualities.
but remember when i was that girl up there. with no confidence but no cares in the world. the girl who played house until 14. the girl who had her best friends and that was all she needed. the girl who longed to belong. the girl who pretended to be a spice girl. the girl who made people call her ariel at the beach. the girl who spent summers with her two best friends down the shore and stayed for hours upon hours and ordered pizza on the beach and watched the sunset. remember the little girl in the spandex pants? the girl who never stayed inside. the girl who played kickball with kids from the neighborhood. the girl who stood on her slide and sang the star spangled banner to her neighbor after she told him to check out the dare program because he was smoking. remember the girl with no worries, no stress, no cares.
now here i am a college student scared shitless for reality and the future. with a blog like this. talking about my goddamn eating disorder and shithead boys. how she loves herself but doubts herself through everything. the girl who knows shes worth something but just not quite enough. the girl who doubts friends loyalty. the girl who worries too much. the girl who complains. maybe it doesnt appear this way to the outsider. but inside of me, i beat myself up. i critisize myself for everything.
lauren, shut the fuck up.
i love myself. really i fucking do. i have an amazing life, some amazing friends (and really, isn't that all i need?) and amazing family.
i need to stop being so fucking hard on myself. how the hell does the feelings for myself come down to one thing. weight. my mother fucking 20 pounds of shit make me feel this way. change the way i look at my life. i need to get a grip. i'm hardworking, a great friend, a great daughter.
i AM beautiful. i AM. I AM.
i'm sick of doing this to myself. i'm sick of making myself feel terrible. i'm sick of ruining my days. people have it so much worse than me. SO much worse.
so now for the new lauren ...
positivity.
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Conor Oberst changed my life.
So here i am, by myself in a dim room, listening to lua, and looking at countless "thinspiration" sites on my "basically im going to pretend like i hate eating disorders but really im pro-eating disorder" pages that just make everything harder, feeling terrible about the past weekend where i feel like i've eaten everything but really probably haven't. feeling terrible that i ate a wheat bagel and didnt have the willpower to just eat the salad i had at 330. and wondering why do i do this to myself?
i'm thinking about the city, and how much i just want to go there. be the skinny, beautiful, well dressed model walking down the streets. wanting that as my life. having that be my life. with my halfmoon shaped windows looking out over the streets of the village. watching my boyfriend play his guitar while drinking coffee at a local cafe. but having to leave early because i have a meeting at nylon. running the streets in my stilettos. wavy layered hair blowing in the wind and my face covered in sunglasses. i'm pathetic.
i'm thinking about valentines day tomorrow and how i most likely will be disappointed again.
i'm thinking about my best friends : emily katie drew and megan. and how that without them this place would be a complete joke.
i'm thinking about my mom at home and worrying. wondering why for the past 2 weeks ive had a few dreams where she was in trouble, or crying, or hurt and hoping its not foreshadowing anything thats going to happen. and thinking about much i miss her.
i'm thinking about my best friend ginas father whose 5 year anniversary of his death is this weekened and how death comes out of nowhere. and how both of us have grown so much since then. and how different everything is.
i'm thinking about where i will be another 5 years from now and whether or not i'll be happy.. (or skinny.)
i really wonder if people think me freaking out over what i eat is a joke. because they will look at me and be like she is huge.. clearly she doesn't care.
i wonder how my little brother is. if he's doing well and that i miss him. and how much am i missing out in his life.
i'm thinking about my ex boyfriend and whether or not we'll ever get back together. life is weird. like potentially, it could happen. we have a pact that if we arent married by 30 we marry each other... what if we do?
what will my kids be like?
what will i do with myself after my mom dies?
how are my grandmothers doing?
......
Conor Oberst changed my life. His songs put me in a different world. I listen to him and feel like someone knows everything that is in my head. The first time i heard Lua was when i first started my eating disorder and i remember crying and realizing that i wasn't alone. He relates to me the way no one does. He has saved me in so many ways. I love you Conor Oberst.
no liesjust lua.
i'm thinking about the city, and how much i just want to go there. be the skinny, beautiful, well dressed model walking down the streets. wanting that as my life. having that be my life. with my halfmoon shaped windows looking out over the streets of the village. watching my boyfriend play his guitar while drinking coffee at a local cafe. but having to leave early because i have a meeting at nylon. running the streets in my stilettos. wavy layered hair blowing in the wind and my face covered in sunglasses. i'm pathetic.
i'm thinking about valentines day tomorrow and how i most likely will be disappointed again.
i'm thinking about my best friends : emily katie drew and megan. and how that without them this place would be a complete joke.
i'm thinking about my mom at home and worrying. wondering why for the past 2 weeks ive had a few dreams where she was in trouble, or crying, or hurt and hoping its not foreshadowing anything thats going to happen. and thinking about much i miss her.
i'm thinking about my best friend ginas father whose 5 year anniversary of his death is this weekened and how death comes out of nowhere. and how both of us have grown so much since then. and how different everything is.
i'm thinking about where i will be another 5 years from now and whether or not i'll be happy.. (or skinny.)
i really wonder if people think me freaking out over what i eat is a joke. because they will look at me and be like she is huge.. clearly she doesn't care.
i wonder how my little brother is. if he's doing well and that i miss him. and how much am i missing out in his life.
i'm thinking about my ex boyfriend and whether or not we'll ever get back together. life is weird. like potentially, it could happen. we have a pact that if we arent married by 30 we marry each other... what if we do?
what will my kids be like?
what will i do with myself after my mom dies?
how are my grandmothers doing?
......
Conor Oberst changed my life. His songs put me in a different world. I listen to him and feel like someone knows everything that is in my head. The first time i heard Lua was when i first started my eating disorder and i remember crying and realizing that i wasn't alone. He relates to me the way no one does. He has saved me in so many ways. I love you Conor Oberst.
no liesjust lua.
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