life.

a small conversation can lead to a mess of thoughts until you stumble across the thought of life. what is life? who determines life? where will we be 10 years from now? last night my friend eddie and i were discussing how much we missed each other and how fast our high school years flew by. it truly did. i remember coming in as a freshman and sitting in the back of my english class scared shitless just to realize at the end of senior year that high school was a time of growth. i went from an 8th grader who was so unsure of herself it was sad. the girl with no confidence, frizzy hair, and no sense of self to a girl who had a million friends and was considered most changed in her superlatives. i was outgoing, funny, loud, and dare i say... attractive? i knew what music i loved, my fashion taste, and the person i was. every day i learn more and more about myself and who i am as a person. but deep down hurting. junior year of high school was when i discovered bulemia as a way out. when i looked at all my flaws instead of my amazing qualities.

but remember when i was that girl up there. with no confidence but no cares in the world. the girl who played house until 14. the girl who had her best friends and that was all she needed. the girl who longed to belong. the girl who pretended to be a spice girl. the girl who made people call her ariel at the beach. the girl who spent summers with her two best friends down the shore and stayed for hours upon hours and ordered pizza on the beach and watched the sunset. remember the little girl in the spandex pants? the girl who never stayed inside. the girl who played kickball with kids from the neighborhood. the girl who stood on her slide and sang the star spangled banner to her neighbor after she told him to check out the dare program because he was smoking. remember the girl with no worries, no stress, no cares.

now here i am a college student scared shitless for reality and the future. with a blog like this. talking about my goddamn eating disorder and shithead boys. how she loves herself but doubts herself through everything. the girl who knows shes worth something but just not quite enough. the girl who doubts friends loyalty. the girl who worries too much. the girl who complains. maybe it doesnt appear this way to the outsider. but inside of me, i beat myself up. i critisize myself for everything.

lauren, shut the fuck up.

i love myself. really i fucking do. i have an amazing life, some amazing friends (and really, isn't that all i need?) and amazing family.

i need to stop being so fucking hard on myself. how the hell does the feelings for myself come down to one thing. weight. my mother fucking 20 pounds of shit make me feel this way. change the way i look at my life. i need to get a grip. i'm hardworking, a great friend, a great daughter.

i AM beautiful. i AM. I AM.

i'm sick of doing this to myself. i'm sick of making myself feel terrible. i'm sick of ruining my days. people have it so much worse than me. SO much worse.

so now for the new lauren ...

positivity.

Drew was here..

side note:


I LOVE DREW MOXLEY!

Conor Oberst changed my life.

So here i am, by myself in a dim room, listening to lua, and looking at countless "thinspiration" sites on my "basically im going to pretend like i hate eating disorders but really im pro-eating disorder" pages that just make everything harder, feeling terrible about the past weekend where i feel like i've eaten everything but really probably haven't. feeling terrible that i ate a wheat bagel and didnt have the willpower to just eat the salad i had at 330. and wondering why do i do this to myself?

i'm thinking about the city, and how much i just want to go there. be the skinny, beautiful, well dressed model walking down the streets. wanting that as my life. having that be my life. with my halfmoon shaped windows looking out over the streets of the village. watching my boyfriend play his guitar while drinking coffee at a local cafe. but having to leave early because i have a meeting at nylon. running the streets in my stilettos. wavy layered hair blowing in the wind and my face covered in sunglasses. i'm pathetic.

i'm thinking about valentines day tomorrow and how i most likely will be disappointed again.

i'm thinking about my best friends : emily katie drew and megan. and how that without them this place would be a complete joke.

i'm thinking about my mom at home and worrying. wondering why for the past 2 weeks ive had a few dreams where she was in trouble, or crying, or hurt and hoping its not foreshadowing anything thats going to happen. and thinking about much i miss her.

i'm thinking about my best friend ginas father whose 5 year anniversary of his death is this weekened and how death comes out of nowhere. and how both of us have grown so much since then. and how different everything is.

i'm thinking about where i will be another 5 years from now and whether or not i'll be happy.. (or skinny.)

i really wonder if people think me freaking out over what i eat is a joke. because they will look at me and be like she is huge.. clearly she doesn't care.

i wonder how my little brother is. if he's doing well and that i miss him. and how much am i missing out in his life.

i'm thinking about my ex boyfriend and whether or not we'll ever get back together. life is weird. like potentially, it could happen. we have a pact that if we arent married by 30 we marry each other... what if we do?

what will my kids be like?
what will i do with myself after my mom dies?
how are my grandmothers doing?
......



Conor Oberst changed my life. His songs put me in a different world. I listen to him and feel like someone knows everything that is in my head. The first time i heard Lua was when i first started my eating disorder and i remember crying and realizing that i wasn't alone. He relates to me the way no one does. He has saved me in so many ways. I love you Conor Oberst.

no liesjust lua.

joining a convent... see yaa!

i'll write absolutely everything i want to say in a little bit. i need to study for spanish. i'm just making sure i actually do pour my heart out. thanks :D