Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
trainwreck.
my loord. it has been forever since i last updated this. and wow, have things changed since then. i don't even know where to begin to be honest. i had stopped updating this for fear that people would somehow find it and read it. find out that i'm not all i'm cracked up to me or i don't feel as fabulous about myself as i may put off. this will probably be a ridiculously long entry. and if you actually stick it out and read it i will be ridiculously impressed and grateful that someone seems to care enough.
so let me begin with this summer. i went home from bonas after a complete shitshow of a year. i had fucked up on so many different levels; academically, sexually, socially, religiously. i was a complete waste...and i felt it. i had never felt so low about myself to the point of complete depression. i wasn't myself. i didn't involve myself in anything. and i took out my anger on people that i loved. my mom sensed this change in me like she always does and tried to understand what was going on. but all i could do was cry to her. how do you tell your mother about that year of college? she knew about my sexual assault and my school work. but did she know the number of boys i had hooked up with? did she know how bad the drinking was? i left school thinking that everyone on campus thought i was a party slut. how do you tell that to your mother? i dreaded going back to school.
finally i knew that i had to change. i couldn't keep beating myself up and i couldn't keep spending time alone in my room crying over things that are in the past. i had learned that there was a healing mass at my church for emotional and physical hurt and i knew i needed to go. i'm not kidding when i tell you that it was the most freeing and amazing thing i have ever been to. i'm tearing up just thinking about it. i spent the entire time crying and when the priest put his hand on my head and told me that i was healed i just broke down.
my mom still questions why i was so hurt all summer. she never understood. and finally she just realized that it was something i needed to put in the past and just stopped asking. so i went back to school with a clear head and clear concious. this year was going to be different.
that's a joke.
so let's get to where i'm at now. a complete emotional mess.. complete trainwreck. to be honest, i don't think i've ever been this depressed in my entire life...and believe me.. i've had my share of tough times. since i drove into the entrance of this hell hole not ONE thing good has happened to me. i live everyday with knives flying through the air and stabbing me in the chest. i'm utterly miserable.
we'll start with the people at the lovely St. Bonaventure University. I have NO friends. well except for my roommate and drew. every person at this school is a narrow-minded, shallow, ugg wearing, juicy/hollister rocking fuck who don't know anything except for their town with the population of 2 and their cow betsy. god forbid a girl who doesn't act, think, look, and be a bitch like everyone else enters the campus. i get dirty looks on a daily. i get told that i try to hard and that i'm "punk rock." like honestly, are you retarded? PUNK ROCK?! do you get out at all? do you live under a rock? does your hick town have any diversity at all? i guess not. where i'm from... you know that place called new jersey that all you fucks think is a shithole.. there is diversity out the wazoo. and you have the audacity to make fun of my accent saying JOISY everytime i say TAWK WAWK AND CAWFEE. at least i don't sound like the fucking mom from Stewart on Mad TV. okay? okay.
these girls? holy shit. they are the fakest people i have ever met in my entire life. i often wonder if these girls have any idea what it is like to be a true friend. i look around and watch them as they snicker as their friend walks away or roll their eyes everytime someone talks. i watch them walk around in their leggings and uggs (ick) thinking they're the shit while they go and get drunk and fuck every dick on campus. and i'm not even kidding when i say that most of the girls here are like that. there are a select few who aren't and most of them are thinking of transferring. GOOD IDEA ME TOO. fuck thissss.
AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HAVE FUCKING SCABIES. yupppp. whats good? you know those little 8-legged bugs that crawl under your skin and hatch little eggs that cause bugs and non-stop 24/7 itching. yup. and i've been rockin that shit for a good month and a half. LOVE MY LIFE. so let's add that on to the fact that i'm depressed beyond belief.. but i have to itch while i cry. fabulous.
i just went on a complete angry rant. but the truth is.. i want to die. i'm suffocating. i'm so overwhelmed to the point that my brain is going to bust. i called my mom last night hyperventilating because i'm so scared that i'm making the wrong decision and that i'm going to fuck up my life. i want to leave here so bad. but my grades last year was shit, my midterm grades weren't that hot either, and i'm really afraid that leaving here i will fuck it up even more. granted i'm only in my first semester of my sophmore year.. but still. i'm freaking out. what if going home and going to st. peters will ultimately ruin my life. what if staying here will be better for me in the long run. gah there's just way too many things going on in my mind. i can't even keep track of them. and all i want to do is sleep.
oh yeah. i'm not going to get into details with this one just in case. (haha i love how i write everything else but this is the one thing i'm afraid of.) a boy got my hopes up to the point that i thought we were going to date because well.. he told me we would. yeah.. still single. you fill in the blanks.
there's another aspect of my life in st. bonaventure that i will also not go into detail with for fear of the wrong eyes seeing this. but let's just say it has me on the brink of insanity. i think that this is one thing that has me spiraling downwards as fast as i am. every time that this aspect comes into play... i can't even explain it. except it's horrible. and God forgive me for feeling this way. but i can't take it anymore.
for the first time in my life i have questioned God. Although i'm trying to build up that relationship again and put my faith and trust in Him i'm struggling. i just wonder sometimes why God allows so many bad things to happen to one person. it really is that i just want one day where i am 100% happy and have nothing bad happen to me. and that hasn't happened to me in the longest time. so i question what God truly wants from me and why he is doing this to me. what sort of plan does he have for me that involves all this. everyone says that struggles help you to be a stronger and better person. but REALLY i'm going nuts. legit nuts. to the point that i twitch. i'm not even trying to be funny. i'm 100% serious. i'm going insane.
i'm praying for a miracle. PRAYING. i'm going to update this more because i feel like i need to. i feel like it will keep me for just reaching my end point. i really just want to leave this school as soon as possible but i feel like at least having two years under my belt will look better on a resume. but the other part of me is thinking is it really worth it enough to make me this miserable.
why do i feel like with some people they find that they need to compete with everything. who can be more miserable than who. go on fucking rants about how "crazy" you are or how "insecure" you are. i'm literally ripping pieces of my hair out and you think being miserable makes you cool. i feel like you enjoy me being miserable sometimes. i feel like you play on it. and i feel like you feed off of me. i feel like you want to be me. i sit in silence because i'm so miserable. i don't even know what to even write here about this situation because i'm just so done. SO done. i'm so sick of this game that you play with me and your so called "i need help i'm so crazy i'm such a badass rebel bitch" image you put on. I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I DONT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY. I JUST LAUGH IT OFF BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO MAKE LIGHT OF A SITUATION. i rather be normal. i rather be happy. i rather be healthy. i rather not do stupid shit. i rather smile and mean it. i rather not want to sleep all the time. i rather not want to scream. i rather not feel like i have nothing to do and feel trapped and not know how to get out of it. STOP THE ACT. it doesnt make you cute.. it doesnt make you cool.. and it doesnt make me like you more. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP. when i'm having a bad day and you know that bad shit is happening don't come up to me and talk about how amazing your life is. how can you be so insensitive? how can you not be a shoulder to cry on? why do i look at you and think you are judging me. or trying to feed off it and make your own copy of my unhappiness. I DONT UNDERSTAND. when i talk about my unique problem do not say "oh yeah me too." NO. YOU DON'T KNOW. stop acting like you do!
i need to stop. wow. wooooowsaz. okay. i think i'm done for this entry. long story short. i'm going a million miles per hour into a brick wall.
thank you and goodnight.
so let me begin with this summer. i went home from bonas after a complete shitshow of a year. i had fucked up on so many different levels; academically, sexually, socially, religiously. i was a complete waste...and i felt it. i had never felt so low about myself to the point of complete depression. i wasn't myself. i didn't involve myself in anything. and i took out my anger on people that i loved. my mom sensed this change in me like she always does and tried to understand what was going on. but all i could do was cry to her. how do you tell your mother about that year of college? she knew about my sexual assault and my school work. but did she know the number of boys i had hooked up with? did she know how bad the drinking was? i left school thinking that everyone on campus thought i was a party slut. how do you tell that to your mother? i dreaded going back to school.
finally i knew that i had to change. i couldn't keep beating myself up and i couldn't keep spending time alone in my room crying over things that are in the past. i had learned that there was a healing mass at my church for emotional and physical hurt and i knew i needed to go. i'm not kidding when i tell you that it was the most freeing and amazing thing i have ever been to. i'm tearing up just thinking about it. i spent the entire time crying and when the priest put his hand on my head and told me that i was healed i just broke down.
my mom still questions why i was so hurt all summer. she never understood. and finally she just realized that it was something i needed to put in the past and just stopped asking. so i went back to school with a clear head and clear concious. this year was going to be different.
that's a joke.
so let's get to where i'm at now. a complete emotional mess.. complete trainwreck. to be honest, i don't think i've ever been this depressed in my entire life...and believe me.. i've had my share of tough times. since i drove into the entrance of this hell hole not ONE thing good has happened to me. i live everyday with knives flying through the air and stabbing me in the chest. i'm utterly miserable.
we'll start with the people at the lovely St. Bonaventure University. I have NO friends. well except for my roommate and drew. every person at this school is a narrow-minded, shallow, ugg wearing, juicy/hollister rocking fuck who don't know anything except for their town with the population of 2 and their cow betsy. god forbid a girl who doesn't act, think, look, and be a bitch like everyone else enters the campus. i get dirty looks on a daily. i get told that i try to hard and that i'm "punk rock." like honestly, are you retarded? PUNK ROCK?! do you get out at all? do you live under a rock? does your hick town have any diversity at all? i guess not. where i'm from... you know that place called new jersey that all you fucks think is a shithole.. there is diversity out the wazoo. and you have the audacity to make fun of my accent saying JOISY everytime i say TAWK WAWK AND CAWFEE. at least i don't sound like the fucking mom from Stewart on Mad TV. okay? okay.
these girls? holy shit. they are the fakest people i have ever met in my entire life. i often wonder if these girls have any idea what it is like to be a true friend. i look around and watch them as they snicker as their friend walks away or roll their eyes everytime someone talks. i watch them walk around in their leggings and uggs (ick) thinking they're the shit while they go and get drunk and fuck every dick on campus. and i'm not even kidding when i say that most of the girls here are like that. there are a select few who aren't and most of them are thinking of transferring. GOOD IDEA ME TOO. fuck thissss.
AND CAN WE TALK ABOUT THE FACT THAT I HAVE FUCKING SCABIES. yupppp. whats good? you know those little 8-legged bugs that crawl under your skin and hatch little eggs that cause bugs and non-stop 24/7 itching. yup. and i've been rockin that shit for a good month and a half. LOVE MY LIFE. so let's add that on to the fact that i'm depressed beyond belief.. but i have to itch while i cry. fabulous.
i just went on a complete angry rant. but the truth is.. i want to die. i'm suffocating. i'm so overwhelmed to the point that my brain is going to bust. i called my mom last night hyperventilating because i'm so scared that i'm making the wrong decision and that i'm going to fuck up my life. i want to leave here so bad. but my grades last year was shit, my midterm grades weren't that hot either, and i'm really afraid that leaving here i will fuck it up even more. granted i'm only in my first semester of my sophmore year.. but still. i'm freaking out. what if going home and going to st. peters will ultimately ruin my life. what if staying here will be better for me in the long run. gah there's just way too many things going on in my mind. i can't even keep track of them. and all i want to do is sleep.
oh yeah. i'm not going to get into details with this one just in case. (haha i love how i write everything else but this is the one thing i'm afraid of.) a boy got my hopes up to the point that i thought we were going to date because well.. he told me we would. yeah.. still single. you fill in the blanks.
there's another aspect of my life in st. bonaventure that i will also not go into detail with for fear of the wrong eyes seeing this. but let's just say it has me on the brink of insanity. i think that this is one thing that has me spiraling downwards as fast as i am. every time that this aspect comes into play... i can't even explain it. except it's horrible. and God forgive me for feeling this way. but i can't take it anymore.
for the first time in my life i have questioned God. Although i'm trying to build up that relationship again and put my faith and trust in Him i'm struggling. i just wonder sometimes why God allows so many bad things to happen to one person. it really is that i just want one day where i am 100% happy and have nothing bad happen to me. and that hasn't happened to me in the longest time. so i question what God truly wants from me and why he is doing this to me. what sort of plan does he have for me that involves all this. everyone says that struggles help you to be a stronger and better person. but REALLY i'm going nuts. legit nuts. to the point that i twitch. i'm not even trying to be funny. i'm 100% serious. i'm going insane.
i'm praying for a miracle. PRAYING. i'm going to update this more because i feel like i need to. i feel like it will keep me for just reaching my end point. i really just want to leave this school as soon as possible but i feel like at least having two years under my belt will look better on a resume. but the other part of me is thinking is it really worth it enough to make me this miserable.
why do i feel like with some people they find that they need to compete with everything. who can be more miserable than who. go on fucking rants about how "crazy" you are or how "insecure" you are. i'm literally ripping pieces of my hair out and you think being miserable makes you cool. i feel like you enjoy me being miserable sometimes. i feel like you play on it. and i feel like you feed off of me. i feel like you want to be me. i sit in silence because i'm so miserable. i don't even know what to even write here about this situation because i'm just so done. SO done. i'm so sick of this game that you play with me and your so called "i need help i'm so crazy i'm such a badass rebel bitch" image you put on. I WANT TO BE HAPPY. I DONT WANT TO FEEL THIS WAY. I JUST LAUGH IT OFF BECAUSE I'M TRYING TO MAKE LIGHT OF A SITUATION. i rather be normal. i rather be happy. i rather be healthy. i rather not do stupid shit. i rather smile and mean it. i rather not want to sleep all the time. i rather not want to scream. i rather not feel like i have nothing to do and feel trapped and not know how to get out of it. STOP THE ACT. it doesnt make you cute.. it doesnt make you cool.. and it doesnt make me like you more. STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP STOP. when i'm having a bad day and you know that bad shit is happening don't come up to me and talk about how amazing your life is. how can you be so insensitive? how can you not be a shoulder to cry on? why do i look at you and think you are judging me. or trying to feed off it and make your own copy of my unhappiness. I DONT UNDERSTAND. when i talk about my unique problem do not say "oh yeah me too." NO. YOU DON'T KNOW. stop acting like you do!
i need to stop. wow. wooooowsaz. okay. i think i'm done for this entry. long story short. i'm going a million miles per hour into a brick wall.
thank you and goodnight.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
