i'm sitting in my room listening to music while outside people playing baseball with the beautiful breeze blowing through. im realizing that there is a huge chance i may have to go home for school after this semester. i try to think whether or not i will be really upset leaving, and i really couldn't tell you. i began this year wanting to leave so bad, missing the city life, my friends, and my mom. i didn't have a set group of friends and i felt alone.
since then my social life has made a complete 180. i have friends, go out every weekend, and have a lot of fun. but i still am trying to find out if i'm really happy here or whether or not this place is for me.
i realized that i've been sad. i've lost touch with God, myself, and who i was. today i was talking about some of the not-so-good things i've done this year. and someone said "and you call yourself a christian?" although this person was joking, it still upset me. because people all make mistakes and people all do shitty things. after i do some of the things i do, i almost always regret it. it's like a vicious cycle. sometimes i like doing wrong things because it makes me feel wanted by someone and better about myself, but then when i sober up and realize what i did i end up feeling like shit. i don't think it doesnt make me a christian. i think it just makes me a confused teenager.
This year I got caught up in the college scene and became selfish. i found myself becoming someone i never was. i felt like an annoyance to my friends. i complain and freak out all the time and whine about my appearance while i eat a slice of pizza. i drink and drink and drink myself happy. i let myself go.
i have fun here. a lot of it. but when i look down inside myself i realize i'm not happy. maybe i'm just having the end of the year wanting to go home blues but who knows.
i think about who i will miss here. i'll miss all my friends for sure. i have my but sometimes it just goes past your friends. like, you need to think for yourself. what would be better for me.
the major pro of bonaventure is my future. if i do well here, my life is set basically. the JMC program is one of the best. so would i be immature for just leaving? even though it technically wouldn't have been my direct choice, just my major slacking. would i blow my future if i end up being sent home? the freedom is also amazing. i love being able to do whatever i want, when i want. but sometimes that isnt a good thing, hence why i'm in the situation i'm in right now. i know that when i come home i'll have a curfew. WHAT?! a curfew?! what is that?! i do like it here. really i do. especially the weather is beautiful.
pros are i'd be closer to my best friends, my family, and my city. close to my beach, the hustle and bustle. i'd definitely be skinnier considering i eat barely anything when home and run my ass off literally. i think i'd get better grades with my mom on my ass. i don't know. i know for a fact my weekends would be most likely spent at rutgers and i'm sure i'd make friends at my new school. and i'd probably get a car, even though it will probably be a peice of shit.
do i really not like bonas? or am i just setting myself up for something that may happen? trying to make lighter of a situation and tell myself "hey maybe it won't be too bad?" i don't know. i won't lie i'm nervous. my future has me so psyched out. where will i end up? what will i do? where will i be next year?
whatever happens i hope its what is meant for me. and i hope that i'll be happy. stress, sadness, and bumps in the road happen for a reason. they help us to become stronger people and help us to prepare for whatever may come next. my life has always been filled with the stress. nothing ever comes easy, but then in the end it ALWAYS works out. i'm hoping this is just another one of those things.
i need the summer to get myself back to normal.
godbless.
Thursday, April 17, 2008
Saturday, April 12, 2008
Dear God, It's me Lauren.
Hey God and Jesus, how are you? Long time no talk unfortunately.
I hope everything has gone well. Say hi to grandpa kearney and grandpa doyle and tell them i'm sorry about smoking cigarettes. And say hi to my little brother and Mr. Rogers for me. Tell Mr. Rogers that me and gina are still amazing friends, even though i'm sure he knows that. And aunt dot! tell her about grandma and aunt alice. And how to look over grandma because i can't imagine my life without her. and anyone i may have forgotten.
thank you for the amazing weather. it's been so much fun this week because of it. It really has helped me to grow and love the place.
enough of the small talk, i'll cut to the chase. I guess the reason i'm writing, aside from the fact that it has been awhile and i really really do need to catch up with you because i miss you, is i feel terrible for having let myself get distant from you. To be honest, i've been pretty miserable. sure, there have been a lot of great times where it may appear like i haven't felt sad, but deep down all i wanted was you. through any action i have done, though many have been terrible, i've thought of what you would think of me. and i'm sorry for being selfish and choosing what i wanted to do instead of the right thing. and of course as predicted, i fell into an emotional hole where i felt like i couldn't escape. it is amazing how you do affect me and how better my life is when you are there.
i think back to when i was home and i would have a lot of alone time. just going to church on sundays, though maybe i'd often stare into space, i still felt like it was the glue to make us stick together. it kept you in my mind and kept me realizing that you were there. and now at college with all this craziness going on, there are points where i've forgotten. i feel like a fake. who am i to say i love you when my actions prove so much otherwise? my first semester here was disgusting. and i feel like i have changed into a person i've never liked. i let my insecurities get the best of me and every time i talk bad about someone it's a reminder of how much i have changed. it's very overwhelming in college to feel so low about yourself and not to have the comfort of home or of you. There have been many times where i just felt helpless and didn't know what to do. so why did i not turn to you?
apart of me felt like i had drifted so far from you that you would think i just come to you when i need you and then pretend like you don't exist and go about my business. so whenever i wanted to reach out to you, i felt ashamed of myself. i felt like i no longer deserved you. i know that you as God are supposed to be there for everyone, but i just think back at the relationship we had at one point and now and it just upsets me. it's like before i reach out, i want to find you the way i had you before. does it make sense? i hope it does.
yesterday i found myself blaming bonaventure for making me like this. the Franciscan capital of america. can you imagine? and isn't it terrible that i relied on kate machugh to bring me closer to you at the mountain. a girl that does such terrible things to people and to me. and i let her be the deciding factor as to whether or not i go to the mountain. i feel pathetic. i only have myself to blame because in the beginning of the year i felt closer to you than ever before because of the mountain. and there are masses i can go to. but i'm either too lazy to walk over there or too scared to sit by myself. jesus died on the cross for me, and i'm afraid to walk maybe a half a mile and sit in a church where no one cares if i'm alone. i'm sorry.
i think this is a good time for me to come home. i find myself frustrated not only because of my eating habits but because of how far i've made myself from you here. i feel like if i go home i can find myself again and be who i am and be able to return on august and continue. i want to come back not as a different person but as a renewed person. its like i need to charge up my batteries because i'm definitely running low. it's funny because i don't know how people can be atheists. the moment i find myself distant from you i'm a mess. never mind not believing you exist.
i feel like i'm not saying enough because i have so much emotion built up because of this topic. i was meant to hear some will seek forgiveness, others escape again because it is basically my life story. and it helped me to realize that you will always be there for me no matter what. and that you are here to bring me closer to you. you understand that stuff like this happens and i guess it's better to come back then to continue to drift right? i guess it shows that i'm not fake and i do really love you? i just wish i didn't have to test myself.
but wait, maybe this was a test from you? there were many times this year when i wondered why you would let certain things happen to me. but maybe they were all in your plan. like a journey back to you. i had always relied on you during problems, so had you made problems and upsets for me in hopes that one day i would find solitude in you? i may be completely off, but i like believing that. it just seems to make sense though.
i'm not going to lie, this year has made me feel about one inch off the ground. i've done SO many things i'm not proud of, which has caused all the insecurities to come out. i was never a confident girl, hence the eating disorder, but i was always pretty sure of myself, not caring what people thought of me. now i just freak out, especially when it comes to guys. they have jaded me so much this year. how did they become such users and manipulators? i just hope that one day i find a nice one. please God, let there be nice ones. i'm dying over here. and i'm pretty sick of being hung up on jG00n. plus this rapid weight gain has made me feel completely awful. it just makes me realize for one how much i relied on my eating disorder and two how different my self control was at home.
GAH i just want to be home! with mom and dad and greg and yogi and you! but atleast i again have you. it's weird because after writing this letter i already feel your presence. it's like the fog has parted and i can see you in front of me. thank you for being so understanding. really thanks.
but about my eating disorder, please help me to have the strength to do it the healthy way. no matter what in the back of my mind after eating bad foods i'm going to want to purge. and the reason i have gained this disgusting gross flabby 15 pounds is because lets face it, someone is always in the bathroom and also in the beginning i was trying for a new start. sees how good that has done, because there still have been some slipups. i just really dont want to do this to myself anymore. i just want to be thin... and happy. the eating disorder will always be on the back of my mind for the rest of my life but that is where i want it to stay... the back of my mind.
anyway, i hope you take time about of your busy schedule to read this. Haha i know you will. But i'm ready for us to become the way we were. Best friends. I love you.
And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering
"Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another."
Oh sweet angel of mercy,
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.
"Hey Unfaithful
Hey Ungraceful
Hey Unloving
I will love you."
Jesus, I'm ready to come home.
I hope everything has gone well. Say hi to grandpa kearney and grandpa doyle and tell them i'm sorry about smoking cigarettes. And say hi to my little brother and Mr. Rogers for me. Tell Mr. Rogers that me and gina are still amazing friends, even though i'm sure he knows that. And aunt dot! tell her about grandma and aunt alice. And how to look over grandma because i can't imagine my life without her. and anyone i may have forgotten.
thank you for the amazing weather. it's been so much fun this week because of it. It really has helped me to grow and love the place.
enough of the small talk, i'll cut to the chase. I guess the reason i'm writing, aside from the fact that it has been awhile and i really really do need to catch up with you because i miss you, is i feel terrible for having let myself get distant from you. To be honest, i've been pretty miserable. sure, there have been a lot of great times where it may appear like i haven't felt sad, but deep down all i wanted was you. through any action i have done, though many have been terrible, i've thought of what you would think of me. and i'm sorry for being selfish and choosing what i wanted to do instead of the right thing. and of course as predicted, i fell into an emotional hole where i felt like i couldn't escape. it is amazing how you do affect me and how better my life is when you are there.
i think back to when i was home and i would have a lot of alone time. just going to church on sundays, though maybe i'd often stare into space, i still felt like it was the glue to make us stick together. it kept you in my mind and kept me realizing that you were there. and now at college with all this craziness going on, there are points where i've forgotten. i feel like a fake. who am i to say i love you when my actions prove so much otherwise? my first semester here was disgusting. and i feel like i have changed into a person i've never liked. i let my insecurities get the best of me and every time i talk bad about someone it's a reminder of how much i have changed. it's very overwhelming in college to feel so low about yourself and not to have the comfort of home or of you. There have been many times where i just felt helpless and didn't know what to do. so why did i not turn to you?
apart of me felt like i had drifted so far from you that you would think i just come to you when i need you and then pretend like you don't exist and go about my business. so whenever i wanted to reach out to you, i felt ashamed of myself. i felt like i no longer deserved you. i know that you as God are supposed to be there for everyone, but i just think back at the relationship we had at one point and now and it just upsets me. it's like before i reach out, i want to find you the way i had you before. does it make sense? i hope it does.
yesterday i found myself blaming bonaventure for making me like this. the Franciscan capital of america. can you imagine? and isn't it terrible that i relied on kate machugh to bring me closer to you at the mountain. a girl that does such terrible things to people and to me. and i let her be the deciding factor as to whether or not i go to the mountain. i feel pathetic. i only have myself to blame because in the beginning of the year i felt closer to you than ever before because of the mountain. and there are masses i can go to. but i'm either too lazy to walk over there or too scared to sit by myself. jesus died on the cross for me, and i'm afraid to walk maybe a half a mile and sit in a church where no one cares if i'm alone. i'm sorry.
i think this is a good time for me to come home. i find myself frustrated not only because of my eating habits but because of how far i've made myself from you here. i feel like if i go home i can find myself again and be who i am and be able to return on august and continue. i want to come back not as a different person but as a renewed person. its like i need to charge up my batteries because i'm definitely running low. it's funny because i don't know how people can be atheists. the moment i find myself distant from you i'm a mess. never mind not believing you exist.
i feel like i'm not saying enough because i have so much emotion built up because of this topic. i was meant to hear some will seek forgiveness, others escape again because it is basically my life story. and it helped me to realize that you will always be there for me no matter what. and that you are here to bring me closer to you. you understand that stuff like this happens and i guess it's better to come back then to continue to drift right? i guess it shows that i'm not fake and i do really love you? i just wish i didn't have to test myself.
but wait, maybe this was a test from you? there were many times this year when i wondered why you would let certain things happen to me. but maybe they were all in your plan. like a journey back to you. i had always relied on you during problems, so had you made problems and upsets for me in hopes that one day i would find solitude in you? i may be completely off, but i like believing that. it just seems to make sense though.
i'm not going to lie, this year has made me feel about one inch off the ground. i've done SO many things i'm not proud of, which has caused all the insecurities to come out. i was never a confident girl, hence the eating disorder, but i was always pretty sure of myself, not caring what people thought of me. now i just freak out, especially when it comes to guys. they have jaded me so much this year. how did they become such users and manipulators? i just hope that one day i find a nice one. please God, let there be nice ones. i'm dying over here. and i'm pretty sick of being hung up on jG00n. plus this rapid weight gain has made me feel completely awful. it just makes me realize for one how much i relied on my eating disorder and two how different my self control was at home.
GAH i just want to be home! with mom and dad and greg and yogi and you! but atleast i again have you. it's weird because after writing this letter i already feel your presence. it's like the fog has parted and i can see you in front of me. thank you for being so understanding. really thanks.
but about my eating disorder, please help me to have the strength to do it the healthy way. no matter what in the back of my mind after eating bad foods i'm going to want to purge. and the reason i have gained this disgusting gross flabby 15 pounds is because lets face it, someone is always in the bathroom and also in the beginning i was trying for a new start. sees how good that has done, because there still have been some slipups. i just really dont want to do this to myself anymore. i just want to be thin... and happy. the eating disorder will always be on the back of my mind for the rest of my life but that is where i want it to stay... the back of my mind.
anyway, i hope you take time about of your busy schedule to read this. Haha i know you will. But i'm ready for us to become the way we were. Best friends. I love you.
And I swear I'll know your face in the crowd
And I'll hear your voice so loud
When you're whispering
"Hey unfaithful I will teach you
To be stronger, to be stronger
Hey ungraceful I will teach you
To forgive one another."
Oh sweet angel of mercy,
With your grace like the morning
Wrap your loving arms around me.
"Hey Unfaithful
Hey Ungraceful
Hey Unloving
I will love you."
Jesus, I'm ready to come home.
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