coming home.

i'm sitting in my room listening to music while outside people playing baseball with the beautiful breeze blowing through. im realizing that there is a huge chance i may have to go home for school after this semester. i try to think whether or not i will be really upset leaving, and i really couldn't tell you. i began this year wanting to leave so bad, missing the city life, my friends, and my mom. i didn't have a set group of friends and i felt alone.

since then my social life has made a complete 180. i have friends, go out every weekend, and have a lot of fun. but i still am trying to find out if i'm really happy here or whether or not this place is for me.

i realized that i've been sad. i've lost touch with God, myself, and who i was. today i was talking about some of the not-so-good things i've done this year. and someone said "and you call yourself a christian?" although this person was joking, it still upset me. because people all make mistakes and people all do shitty things. after i do some of the things i do, i almost always regret it. it's like a vicious cycle. sometimes i like doing wrong things because it makes me feel wanted by someone and better about myself, but then when i sober up and realize what i did i end up feeling like shit. i don't think it doesnt make me a christian. i think it just makes me a confused teenager.

This year I got caught up in the college scene and became selfish. i found myself becoming someone i never was. i felt like an annoyance to my friends. i complain and freak out all the time and whine about my appearance while i eat a slice of pizza. i drink and drink and drink myself happy. i let myself go.

i have fun here. a lot of it. but when i look down inside myself i realize i'm not happy. maybe i'm just having the end of the year wanting to go home blues but who knows.

i think about who i will miss here. i'll miss all my friends for sure. i have my but sometimes it just goes past your friends. like, you need to think for yourself. what would be better for me.

the major pro of bonaventure is my future. if i do well here, my life is set basically. the JMC program is one of the best. so would i be immature for just leaving? even though it technically wouldn't have been my direct choice, just my major slacking. would i blow my future if i end up being sent home? the freedom is also amazing. i love being able to do whatever i want, when i want. but sometimes that isnt a good thing, hence why i'm in the situation i'm in right now. i know that when i come home i'll have a curfew. WHAT?! a curfew?! what is that?! i do like it here. really i do. especially the weather is beautiful.

pros are i'd be closer to my best friends, my family, and my city. close to my beach, the hustle and bustle. i'd definitely be skinnier considering i eat barely anything when home and run my ass off literally. i think i'd get better grades with my mom on my ass. i don't know. i know for a fact my weekends would be most likely spent at rutgers and i'm sure i'd make friends at my new school. and i'd probably get a car, even though it will probably be a peice of shit.

do i really not like bonas? or am i just setting myself up for something that may happen? trying to make lighter of a situation and tell myself "hey maybe it won't be too bad?" i don't know. i won't lie i'm nervous. my future has me so psyched out. where will i end up? what will i do? where will i be next year?

whatever happens i hope its what is meant for me. and i hope that i'll be happy. stress, sadness, and bumps in the road happen for a reason. they help us to become stronger people and help us to prepare for whatever may come next. my life has always been filled with the stress. nothing ever comes easy, but then in the end it ALWAYS works out. i'm hoping this is just another one of those things.

i need the summer to get myself back to normal.

godbless.