Conor Oberst changed my life.

So here i am, by myself in a dim room, listening to lua, and looking at countless "thinspiration" sites on my "basically im going to pretend like i hate eating disorders but really im pro-eating disorder" pages that just make everything harder, feeling terrible about the past weekend where i feel like i've eaten everything but really probably haven't. feeling terrible that i ate a wheat bagel and didnt have the willpower to just eat the salad i had at 330. and wondering why do i do this to myself?

i'm thinking about the city, and how much i just want to go there. be the skinny, beautiful, well dressed model walking down the streets. wanting that as my life. having that be my life. with my halfmoon shaped windows looking out over the streets of the village. watching my boyfriend play his guitar while drinking coffee at a local cafe. but having to leave early because i have a meeting at nylon. running the streets in my stilettos. wavy layered hair blowing in the wind and my face covered in sunglasses. i'm pathetic.

i'm thinking about valentines day tomorrow and how i most likely will be disappointed again.

i'm thinking about my best friends : emily katie drew and megan. and how that without them this place would be a complete joke.

i'm thinking about my mom at home and worrying. wondering why for the past 2 weeks ive had a few dreams where she was in trouble, or crying, or hurt and hoping its not foreshadowing anything thats going to happen. and thinking about much i miss her.

i'm thinking about my best friend ginas father whose 5 year anniversary of his death is this weekened and how death comes out of nowhere. and how both of us have grown so much since then. and how different everything is.

i'm thinking about where i will be another 5 years from now and whether or not i'll be happy.. (or skinny.)

i really wonder if people think me freaking out over what i eat is a joke. because they will look at me and be like she is huge.. clearly she doesn't care.

i wonder how my little brother is. if he's doing well and that i miss him. and how much am i missing out in his life.

i'm thinking about my ex boyfriend and whether or not we'll ever get back together. life is weird. like potentially, it could happen. we have a pact that if we arent married by 30 we marry each other... what if we do?

what will my kids be like?
what will i do with myself after my mom dies?
how are my grandmothers doing?
......



Conor Oberst changed my life. His songs put me in a different world. I listen to him and feel like someone knows everything that is in my head. The first time i heard Lua was when i first started my eating disorder and i remember crying and realizing that i wasn't alone. He relates to me the way no one does. He has saved me in so many ways. I love you Conor Oberst.

no liesjust lua.